BCCI To Conduct India-Pakistan Cricket Matches During Terror Attacks

The BCCI had a delightful announcement for cricketing fans across the subcontinent as it decided to resume cricketing ties between India and Pakistan by the end of 2012. Those that have their frontal lobes dedicated to remembering non-cricket stats may recall that cricketing ties between the two countries were suspended following the horrific terrorist attacks on 26/11 in Mumbai. More surprise lay along the road as the BCCI announced that the cricket matches and tournaments will be held on those days when terrorists from Pakistan, ostensibly called “non-state actors”, decide to unleash their violence upon unsuspecting Indians. “We are cricket crazy nations, the two of us” said N.Srinivasan, the President of the BCCI, “so any adverse media attention we may get from a terrorist attack will be quickly consumed in the ball by ball updates we receive on our mobile phones and on twitter”. This reporter has taken pains to observe trends far and wide and come to the conclusion that Mr.Srinivasan is one of the greatest experts on manipulating media attention and promoting his brand. The media frenzy, after the BCCI announcement, was focussed on Kris Srikanth, the Chairman of the Selection Committee and lately, a man under a lot of stress, with matches and Parliamentary sessions scheduled on the same dates and terror attacks expected to happen at both locations. To questions about how he would manage the selections, Srikanth replied in his characteristic style,“Boss you just shut up now, you don’t talk like that. There may have been some error, err, erroneus decisions by the BCCI and the Parliament and we may end up losing some matches. It happens boss.” While the nation has no clue how the BCCI will be able to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule matches on the same date, let alone make arrangements for said matches under such short notice, Lalit Modi, the discredited ex-Chairman of IPL and former VP of BCCI tweeted that he has valuable contacts within the NATGRID framework and is willing to offer his services to the BCCI on a pay-per-match basis. Further DMs on Twitter have revealed that Modi plans to use the intelligence input that enters NATGRID from IB and RAW sources to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule india-Pakistan cricket matches on those days. The nation is yet to recover from the shock and awe created by this announcement. But there was more in store, from the Home Minister himself. P. Chidambaram nonchalantly said, “Half the offices in the country, including mine, are empty when India plays Pakistan. This is part of our long term strategy to reduce casualties in such attacks. With the streets deserted and everybody at home, who will the terrorists kill? They will be shamed into failure. Moreover, if Pakistan denies responsibility for the terror attack and blames it on non-state actors, we can always point out to the demolition and destruction their bowlers perform on our batsmen everytime we play, and spin the match itself off as “state sponsored terror”. Even Hafiz Saeed and Abu Jundal cannot say no to that you see”, ended the Home Mionister chuckling at his own sense of humor. Our reporter that spoke to the Home Minister is yet to recover from the awfully shocking experience.

Congress and UPA relieved after election manifesto believed destroyed in fire found on Youtube.

The Congress party and its allies expressed relief today as party manifesto for the 2014 general elections, believed to have been destroyed in the fire was found, of all places, on Youtube. Recently reinstated party spokesperson Digvijay Singh told reporters today that he personally spoke with the firefighters on the telephone while they were err… fighting the fire and was told that the fire at the Finance Ministry offices in North Block was part of an RSS conspiracy to destroy the genuine attempts of the Congress party and the UPA in preparing a people-oriented inclusive manifesto for the 2014 general elections.

“They did not have any original ideas and wanted to plagiarise ours. When they realised that they couldn’t think of something as good, let alone implement, they set out to destroy it”, an aggrieved Digvijay Singh had told reporters immediately after the alleged phone call.

PM Singh, upon his jubilant return from the G-20 and Rio-20 summits, was more optimistic as he said, “It is true that we have lost a good manifesto prepared keeping the aam aadmi in mind. But I am confident that we will use our abundant intellectual resources to find new pathways of development. In fact, after I heard the news, I’ve invited several experts from the countries I was touring on behalf of Madam to help us prepare the manifesto and be part of the NAC that will implement it.” Similar views were expressed by officials at the Finance Ministry who have a proven track record of finding letters and notes, believed to be long lost by both the sender and the receiver.

Their collective optimism bore fruit, as a triumphant Shri. Kapil Sibal addressed reporters today, stating that the government and the country had suffered zero loss from the recent fire. “Not to worry, any loss, if suffered, is only notional. We have a copy, in video format of the brilliant manifesto prepared with great care and concern by the party.” Upon questioning where he had found it, Sibal replied saying that he had found it on Youtube, a video sharing website, that incidentally could fall prey to the censorship regime Sibal has in mind for India and for the member nations of the United Nations. “See, this is what I’ve been saying all along. It is because of our persistent efforts that we have found this video on Youtube. Imagine what good it will do to the country if Youtube was used primarily, and in fact, only for posting party videos. As always, the Congress and the UPA will take tough but necessary decisions for a better future for India”, said Sibal on a concluding note to the brief interview.

However, inside sources from the Congress Working Committee have informed us that the video Sibal spoke about, is not a Congress version of the “Making of the Manifesto”, but is actually a TV advertisement the party made for the 2004 elections and has been viewed over a million times and has more than 1000 likes on Youtube. This is proof of its popularity according to party workers who also confirmed that the election manifestos of the Congress have remained more or less the same since the 70s, “since Mother Indira wrote them herself”, as one fervently pointed out. “The party knows what is good for itself, even when it may not be in the larger interests of the country. Why change now, when it has always given us victories in the past?” he ended, with a rhetorical question.

Recent developments indicate that the Congress party may demand its own channel on Youtube without a Thumbdown/Dislike button on the videos it hosts.

Government attempts to end Anaemia through new TV Show


In accordance with and in extension of his apology in the Parliament for the cartoon that appeared in NCERT textbooks, Union Minister for Human Resource Development Kapil Sibal, also apologized for cartoons on television and said action will be taken against cartoon shows provoking or trying to provoke violence or aggressive behaviour among the viewers. “These cartoons are crazy, whatever medium they are on. Just check out the thing they call “Tom and Jerry”, it would be more apt if they called it “Tom Vs Jerry” and billed it as a wrestling match so we can order it to be aired after 11pm”, suggested a Ministry spokesperson on condition of anonymity as he was not permitted to speak on matters regarding cartoons. “Moreover,” he added in a hushed up tone, “we are trying to find a way to characterise Tom and Jerry as members of lower and upper castes respectively so the entire series can be termed as an act of the upper castes to thwart attempts by the lower caste to catch up with them”.


Sources within various ministries expressed fears regarding potential lawsuits from television channels such as Pogo and Cartoon Network citing violation of the Right to Profession enshrined in the Constitution, an epic level document nobody seemed to bother about these days. “These people, Pogo, Cartoon Network etc, make a living out of err… showing cartoons in their networks. We will be asking them to shut shop, quite literally”, unnamed sources within the Ministry of Finance complained. Some even fear that the Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha channels could also, in theory, be shut down as they, more often than not, air “violent or violence provoking content”.


But Kapil Sibal is not a man to be deterred by such flimsy objections. Rumours suggest that the HRD Ministry is working on a concept for a new television program to replace such “violence-provoking” cartoons. Experts point to Sibal’s proven track record of using original and fresh ideas of Math to rival the calculations of the Comptroller and Auditor General and state that the 2G auction led to Zero Loss to the exchequer and that India was more liberal than US and Europe and also asserted that screening “Dirty Picture” and other such movies with “objectionable content” after 11pm as an attempt by the state to “not cut its own arms”.


Insiders predict that the new TV show will be called “Taste of Irony” and will feature videos and sound bites of the honourable Minister demolishing allegations and accusations levelled upon his government, through novel, innovative theories. The UPA can spin it off as a new scheme on its part to end the Anaemia menace among children in rural India through a regular dose of Kapil Sibal’s err… irony. The TV show is to be aired in the mornings at about the same time children are expected to have their breakfast so they can receive their daily dose of nutritional supplement in the form of an informative program that is expected to train their intellect and help them come up their own intriguing and intelligent ideas to explain why they did not complete their homework. Meanwhile, the UPA is expected to piggyback its ambitious food security programme on the back of this TV show and expects to make a glorious comeback in the 2014 elections through the committed and persistent efforts of Shri. Kapil Sibal.

Senior Ministers Kiss and Make Up

The usually reticent Prime Minister of India, Manmohan Singh informed reporters today that the tiff between Home Minister P. Chidambaram and Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, that touched new heights when a boxing match between the two was announced, was now officially over. “The chapter is closed”, Singh told reporters ending an interview considered too lengthy by his usual standards. Further probing by certain eminent journalists, including those that leaked letters and predicted coups, indicated that the truce was brought about by P.Chidambaram donating $10 billion of his personal income to help bridge the fiscal deficit. Before the uproar created on Twitter by this report could subside, several PILs were filed in the Supreme Court enquiring as to what Chidambaram’s source of that income was and if possible, would he be gracious enough to share a few tricks of his trade.
Chidambaram, as usual, has stated that the matter is sub-judice, but an anonymous, but verifiable source in the MHA has revealed that Chidambaram made a windfall out of the ransom offered by the US for providing information that would lead to the arrest and conviction of Hafiz Saeed, a terrorist suspected of masterminding the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, against whom India has already issued a Red Corner Notice. Our source also told us that the Home Minister, despite his busy schedule, had personally made a Xerox copy of all the dossiers he had sent Pakistan in the 3 years that followed 26/11 and sent them aboard the newly purchased C-130J Super Hercules Heavy Lift aircraft, which as its name suggests, was the only one fit to do the job.
Apparently, the US was happy with what it got and rewarded as promised. The Secretary of State was quoted saying, “Who do you go to when you need information that could be put to good use, but hasn’t been? The Government of India, of course”. But Chidambaram was in a fix, because there was very little left in the country that he wanted to invest in. It seems that this was when the idea of mending ties with his forlorn foe struck him. Chidambaram was aware(partly due to his nasty habit of tapping into other Ministry offices) that the Finance Minister has been losing sleep in the recent past due to the widening fiscal deficit. Confident that this was the best avenue he should invest in, Chidambaram sent a cheque to the Ministry of Finance. The $10 billion gift came as a godsend to Pranab Mukherjee, who thanked Chidambaram profusely for this gesture of goodwill and declared that bygones be bygones. This was followed by a remote control being operated and the Prime Minister declaring to the media that the announced, but long delayed boxing match between the two senior cabinet ministers was cancelled. The government passed a new order that any flyers announcing the event or any printed material referring to the event should be forwarded to Shri. Kapil Sibal.

India to tax transactions with retrospective effect. But going back by.....take a guess...!

The Finance Minister made a landmark announcement as part of his Budget speech, effectively amending India’s laws to tax transactions that derive their value in India, even if said transactions are made by companies not registered or incorporated in India. Before anyone could applaud him, however, the minister revealed his sleight of hand and added that the amendment would have retroactive effect.
The media went into a frenzy saying this was against the rule of law and that Pranab Mukherjee was being “penny wise, pound foolish”. Analysts and market observers were quick to point out that this was done to repeal the judgement of the Supreme Court absolving Vodafone of tax dues in the Vodafone-Essar case. While digital media initially reported that the amendment would have retroactive effect starting from 1962, i.e. 50 years from today, Pranabda, in his post-budget interview clarified that both the assessment and the report were wrong. “They think I’m trying to earn a quick billion here and one there to fix the gaping hole in my fabric, errr… fiscal deficit. They don’t understand the magnitude of what they are protesting against”, he told reporters here. He also mentioned that the amendment is to have retroactive effect, not from 1962, but much beyond, from 1662. He suggested that an overenthusiastic reporter probably zoomed in through the Lok Sabha CCTV cameras and got an inverted image (any resemblance to actual inverted images being coincidental) of the number 6 reflected through Pranabda’s rather thick glasses. “You see, those people condemning this move have no idea about the level of patriotism in it”, he said, making a snide jab at overzealous economist Subramaniam Swamy and his twitter army of patriotic tweeples. “If these people had read their history books properly, they’d know that the English East India Company, registered in London, derived most, if not all, of its gains on Indian soil. Their loot, exponentially much more than what we’ve managed to do, post-liberalisation and all, started sometime around 1662 when Bombay was given to Charles-II of England, as dowry by the Portuguese. Dadabhai Naoroji (a grand old man, if he were alive would go bonkers over the numbers quoted by the Comptroller and Auditor General, about the notional losses suffered in allocating scarce natural resources to corporate firms with connections), has given us his eminent estimate of the magnitude of the drain of wealth from India during the colonial rule of the British empire starting from 1662. So we thought we would fix that year as the date from which the amendment takes effect. As you jargon-hungry reporters would have realised, it makes aesthetic sense to have a number like 250 appear on headlines, so that is the number of years we are going back to collect what is due to us.”
The Prime Minister of (you thought India? That fellow rarely speaks for us to quote him!) UK, who had somehow managed to quell strong public outrage over annual aids of over $440bn to India, will find it very difficult to justify such a drastic move by India to bankrupt the country’s finances. “We are already paying back what we took. To the cooks and taxi drivers and of late, to steel tycoons” he said, a pointed remark at the changing demographic of Indian income earners in Britain.
When Pranabda was questioned about what the government would do with the windfall of money it plans to raise in this manner, he flashed a set of perfectly white teeth, thanks to Colgate and not the Coalgate that’s been on the news lately.” We will have more schemes”, he said, similar to the existing schemes that provide free sub-standard rice to the poor, who might reject the ration shops if the government invested the same money in getting them jobs and might no longer be inclined to vote for the party in power.

CHAPTER XIV. WINNING OVER FACTIONS FOR OR AGAINST AN ENEMY'S CAUSE IN AN ENEMY'S STATE.

This is my first post in a series based on the Arthasastra, an ancient Indian treatise on statecraft, economic policy and military strategy. Attributed to Chanakya (c. 350–283 BC), a scholar at the Takshashila University, the work is described thoroughly Machiavellian despite predating Machiavelli by over 1700 years. Chanakya, a thorough pragmatist, has the safety, security and expansion of the state as his primary and perhaps, only concern. He does not back away or balk at using any measures, moral or immoral, legal or illegal to achieve this end. “Is there not one question that Kautilya found immoral, too terrible to ask in a book? No, not one. And this is what brings a frightful chill. But this is also why Kautilya was the first great, unrelenting political realist.” – Boesche.

I decided to start this series inspired by Chapter XIV – “Winning Over Factions For Or Against An Enemy's Cause In An Enemy's State” of Book I – “Concerning Discipline of the Arthasastra”. Although writing sequentially might be the logical modus operandi, I’ve decided to start with this chapter and then move onto the first one.

The chapter, in a nutshell, deals with the means to protect or persecute parties that support one’s cause in a foreign/enemy state. Chanakya deems it mandatory to be in possession and control of a network of spies inside an enemy state to further one’s own cause.

It is not practically possible or viable to have one’s own spies infiltrating enemy ranks on a large scale as any modern day spook would tell you. No amount of naturalisation can make one sound or appear native to an enemy state. As an alternative, Chanakya advises having a network of spies, so covert that even those that are part of the circle do not know about it! He wants to fulfil the interests of the state through agents who fervently believe they are working to further their own interests.

Chanakya lists the category of people who could be turned into an agent by an enemy state. Those that are provoked by the host state or the state employees, through harassment, denial of reward for labour, shorn of ranks, suffered long periods of imprisonment, those whose women have been insulted or violently assaulted, denied inheritance or have had their property confiscated, can easily be turned against the state or their employers through timely manipulation in the hands of spies of an enemy state.

Loyal citizens who have suffered unjustly, a rebel, a government official who has amassed unnaturally large amounts of wealth and fears retribution, and he who has earned the king’s contempt are considered to be alarmed citizens. Chanakya recommends that their alarm be inflated to paranoia and then turning such paranoid citizens into enemies of the state.

Men that are impoverished, men that covet wealth and would exploit all means to attain it are termed ambitious and the spies should offer them appropriate rewards in terms of power and position to appease their ambitions and win them over to the cause. At the same time, haughty men who have had their material appetites whetted but crave to quench their inflated egos, should be won over by exalting the discriminatory qualities of the enemy king in recognising their virtues.

Throughout the work, Chanakya makes discrimination between the tasks that spies with shaved hair (men) and those with braided hair (women) can do. Chanakya probably presents the first documented use of the femme fatale as an instrument of spy craft. Chanakya’s acumen for statesmanship is scorchingly visible in his ability to not only identify disinterested parties, but also classify them into groups such as the provoked, the alarmed, the ambitious and the haughty. He advises group-specific measures to win them over to one’s cause. There is clear recognition that a one size fits all approach will not work in statecraft.

To the provoked, he portrays their king as a mad elephant that would trample them to death and the only means of protection from it would be to set another elephant (the rival king) upon it. The alarmed citizens can be made paranoid by projecting a vision of their king as a hidden and equally paranoid snake that would spit its venom upon anything it perceives as a threat. While pandering to the ambitious and the haughty, Chanakya plays the “caste card”, very much reminiscent of a modern day Indian politician facing elections. The ambitious are to be won over by comparing their king to a cow that is reared by dog-keepers and hence meeting only their needs and ignoring those of the Brahmanas. The haughty are to be told that their king is as lowly as a well of water that caters to the Chandalas. This is done with the intention of soothing their hurt egos and promising them a better alternative. Chanakya stresses on the need to supplement the derogation of the host king with heaping praises on the foreign king to win them over to the cause of the state. However, the best is yet to come.

While deluding the citizens of the enemy state with promises of rewards, titles and a better rule, Chanakya lands his masterstroke towards the end of the chapter. He advises the spies to make a solemn deal (panakarmana) with the disaffected reiterating there that it is being done to enable the spies help them achieve their ends. But we as ardent readers are fully aware of Chanakya’s knack of tongue in cheek expressions and know that the ultimate objective is to benefit the state and not the parties who are being deluded into agreement. The Panakarmana is a kind of insurance to use the jargon of a whistleblower, for it is clearly implied that if the disaffected were to shift allegiances back to their host, their infidelity, however temporary will be brought to public attention. Chanakya uses this to ensure the continued support of the disaffected irrespective of whether their expectations and desires are met or not. A Machiavellian through and through!

As I said earlier, this post is my first and is out of sequence. I will be starting with the first chapter of Book I – “The Life of a King and End of Sciences” in the next blogpost. Thanks for your support. Cheers.

Why India won’t hang Kasab?

For those of you living under a rock in Inner Mongolia or those living in an igloo built on a quickly melting iceberg, Ajmal Kasab is one of the terrorists (there were 9 others who cleared the Houri Test and were awarded the promised prize of 72 virgins)who attacked Mumbai 3 years ago and was apprehended.

Kasab has been imprisoned in India ever since. Being sentenced to death by a trial court, with the sentence upheld by Mumbai High Court does not seem to have affected Kasab’s appetite for glory and for err…tandoori chicken. If news reports from prison are to be believed, Kasab has been on the receiving end of glares and stares from fellow prisoners who have been served lauki (a vocal critic of this policy has been the Gandhi scion, of the lesser Gandhi family). This jealousy doesn’t seem to be dying anytime soon since err...Kasab himself is not going to die anytime soon.

In a rare press interview, India’s reticent, rarely talkative Prime Minister Manmohan Singh addressed questions, which he considered rather clichéd, on why the government has not executed Kasab despite a death penalty being served upon him. The highly educated man that he was, Singh presented the members of press with, not one, but several “reasonable” reasons to justify the government’s stance.

Who to hang?

India’s esteemed intelligence agencies and an extremely vibrant press seemed to have done their homework pretty well, in fact too well, in finding out Kasab’s identity. With some in the Indian establishment claiming credit for proving Kasab’s nationality, the ones that actually did the sleuthing, the Dawn newspaper, moved on to other mundane jobs, leaving the credit-claiming part to professionals with years of training and practice in the task. To compensate for this loss of work, the Indian media provided the public with half a dozen names, it had discovered, ranging from Azam Amir Kasav to Amjad Amir Kamaal, for the same person. Extremely persistent readers can view the complete list here. So the government faces the pertinent problem of deciding on who they are hanging although practically it would be the same person that was caught on camera. PM Singh emphatically stated that there was no point in arranging for an execution with the taxpayer’s money when you don’t know who you would be executing.

How to hang?
The PM also stunned members of the Press with his question on how to hang Kasab. He stated that there was progress in Indo-Pak relationship, (despite the lack of it in the Krishna-Hina relationship) and the dossier diplomacy was as irrelevant as a dosa in a Punjabi Dhaba. Singh expressed his concern that hanging Kasab might ring discord in the present positive state of affairs. Singh also stated that India’s Human Rights record might be tarnished if the country were to execute a death penalty. An angry reporter’s shoe thrown as a response to Singh’s statement failed to make a dent in his impeccably blue turban. The reporter was promptly removed before he could pose a threat to Singh’s human rights. Despite this, Singh could not answer conclusively, questions regarding the human rights of the Indian citizens killed and injured in the carnage.

Why to hang?
The eminent strategist that he was, Singh felt that it made better sense to let Kasab live as his present diet would anyway kill him from all the cholesterol he has gained. Singh also felt this would be a deterrent to prospective health-conscious Jihadists, who would like to maintain their fitness levels while they go meet their 72 virgins. Speaking of which Singh continued, preventing Kasab from dying on the noose would deny him the right over his 72 virgins if he died of natural causes. So letting him die of his own accord was actually a long term strategy to prevent the Mullahs from brainwashing their cadre with the promise of Paradise.

Singh left members of the Press spell bound and seemingly convinced with his list of “Reasonable” reasons on why Kasab could not and should not be hanged. Singh received rich accolades in the headlines of all major newspapers the next day that praised him as “an underrated politician”. The editorial pages however, used the same headline to criticise Singh’s explanation and demanded Kasab’s head on the noose at the same time emphasising that Afzal Guru and several others on the death row be brought to the book as well. Suggestions also include a proposal to modify existing space in the Parliament, which stays unused very often due to adjournments, as the new death row and unemployed MPs as hangmen.