BCCI To Conduct India-Pakistan Cricket Matches During Terror Attacks

The BCCI had a delightful announcement for cricketing fans across the subcontinent as it decided to resume cricketing ties between India and Pakistan by the end of 2012. Those that have their frontal lobes dedicated to remembering non-cricket stats may recall that cricketing ties between the two countries were suspended following the horrific terrorist attacks on 26/11 in Mumbai. More surprise lay along the road as the BCCI announced that the cricket matches and tournaments will be held on those days when terrorists from Pakistan, ostensibly called “non-state actors”, decide to unleash their violence upon unsuspecting Indians. “We are cricket crazy nations, the two of us” said N.Srinivasan, the President of the BCCI, “so any adverse media attention we may get from a terrorist attack will be quickly consumed in the ball by ball updates we receive on our mobile phones and on twitter”. This reporter has taken pains to observe trends far and wide and come to the conclusion that Mr.Srinivasan is one of the greatest experts on manipulating media attention and promoting his brand. The media frenzy, after the BCCI announcement, was focussed on Kris Srikanth, the Chairman of the Selection Committee and lately, a man under a lot of stress, with matches and Parliamentary sessions scheduled on the same dates and terror attacks expected to happen at both locations. To questions about how he would manage the selections, Srikanth replied in his characteristic style,“Boss you just shut up now, you don’t talk like that. There may have been some error, err, erroneus decisions by the BCCI and the Parliament and we may end up losing some matches. It happens boss.” While the nation has no clue how the BCCI will be able to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule matches on the same date, let alone make arrangements for said matches under such short notice, Lalit Modi, the discredited ex-Chairman of IPL and former VP of BCCI tweeted that he has valuable contacts within the NATGRID framework and is willing to offer his services to the BCCI on a pay-per-match basis. Further DMs on Twitter have revealed that Modi plans to use the intelligence input that enters NATGRID from IB and RAW sources to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule india-Pakistan cricket matches on those days. The nation is yet to recover from the shock and awe created by this announcement. But there was more in store, from the Home Minister himself. P. Chidambaram nonchalantly said, “Half the offices in the country, including mine, are empty when India plays Pakistan. This is part of our long term strategy to reduce casualties in such attacks. With the streets deserted and everybody at home, who will the terrorists kill? They will be shamed into failure. Moreover, if Pakistan denies responsibility for the terror attack and blames it on non-state actors, we can always point out to the demolition and destruction their bowlers perform on our batsmen everytime we play, and spin the match itself off as “state sponsored terror”. Even Hafiz Saeed and Abu Jundal cannot say no to that you see”, ended the Home Mionister chuckling at his own sense of humor. Our reporter that spoke to the Home Minister is yet to recover from the awfully shocking experience.

Congress and UPA relieved after election manifesto believed destroyed in fire found on Youtube.

The Congress party and its allies expressed relief today as party manifesto for the 2014 general elections, believed to have been destroyed in the fire was found, of all places, on Youtube. Recently reinstated party spokesperson Digvijay Singh told reporters today that he personally spoke with the firefighters on the telephone while they were err… fighting the fire and was told that the fire at the Finance Ministry offices in North Block was part of an RSS conspiracy to destroy the genuine attempts of the Congress party and the UPA in preparing a people-oriented inclusive manifesto for the 2014 general elections.

“They did not have any original ideas and wanted to plagiarise ours. When they realised that they couldn’t think of something as good, let alone implement, they set out to destroy it”, an aggrieved Digvijay Singh had told reporters immediately after the alleged phone call.

PM Singh, upon his jubilant return from the G-20 and Rio-20 summits, was more optimistic as he said, “It is true that we have lost a good manifesto prepared keeping the aam aadmi in mind. But I am confident that we will use our abundant intellectual resources to find new pathways of development. In fact, after I heard the news, I’ve invited several experts from the countries I was touring on behalf of Madam to help us prepare the manifesto and be part of the NAC that will implement it.” Similar views were expressed by officials at the Finance Ministry who have a proven track record of finding letters and notes, believed to be long lost by both the sender and the receiver.

Their collective optimism bore fruit, as a triumphant Shri. Kapil Sibal addressed reporters today, stating that the government and the country had suffered zero loss from the recent fire. “Not to worry, any loss, if suffered, is only notional. We have a copy, in video format of the brilliant manifesto prepared with great care and concern by the party.” Upon questioning where he had found it, Sibal replied saying that he had found it on Youtube, a video sharing website, that incidentally could fall prey to the censorship regime Sibal has in mind for India and for the member nations of the United Nations. “See, this is what I’ve been saying all along. It is because of our persistent efforts that we have found this video on Youtube. Imagine what good it will do to the country if Youtube was used primarily, and in fact, only for posting party videos. As always, the Congress and the UPA will take tough but necessary decisions for a better future for India”, said Sibal on a concluding note to the brief interview.

However, inside sources from the Congress Working Committee have informed us that the video Sibal spoke about, is not a Congress version of the “Making of the Manifesto”, but is actually a TV advertisement the party made for the 2004 elections and has been viewed over a million times and has more than 1000 likes on Youtube. This is proof of its popularity according to party workers who also confirmed that the election manifestos of the Congress have remained more or less the same since the 70s, “since Mother Indira wrote them herself”, as one fervently pointed out. “The party knows what is good for itself, even when it may not be in the larger interests of the country. Why change now, when it has always given us victories in the past?” he ended, with a rhetorical question.

Recent developments indicate that the Congress party may demand its own channel on Youtube without a Thumbdown/Dislike button on the videos it hosts.